So this is part two of my last blog and I said that I talked about the friend that i thought would be there for me in my ‘recent’ darkest hour.
Now i would like to talk about the fact that i find it hard to actually make friends, I honestly think that this comes from he fact that i always have separated the work and play situation beyond big annual events such as Christmas and New Year’s where I would socialise with my work colleagues and as i grow up i have worked it out that i hold people at arm’s length and i really don’t think it is a healthy situation to be in.
This all stems from how I was brought up, as a unit our family is strong while growing up and that is the main thing I latched on to and never thought I would need anyone else, no friends or anyone. I socialised and had a one or two friends when I was younger but as we all grow friendship circles disband and friends grow distant.
Which is one of the reasons I hold people at arm’s length, to protect myself.
The ability to be social has always been an awkward one for me as when I am social I always seem to be the odd one out that is a bit more reserved, not being the life and soul of the party but my presence is always there, I was never one to be a member of the whole drug-scene when teenagers grow up, but to help with awkwardness I would always resort to alcohol to ease the situation. I also find that when I am around my friends I always seem to ask the same type of questions our relationships never grow deeper even thought I wish they did.
That is why I thought my relationship with my friend was deeper and hoped they would have been there for me when Tess died.
Sometimes I think am I destined to be lonely?